Nothing lasts forever, and that’s all I’ve been able to think about lately.
Somewhere between last month and this one, I lost my footing in the present. That is to say that I’ve been violently tossed around in a sea of trauma, thanks to a number of different circumstances. It was only when I managed to find a moment of gratitude that I was able to bring myself back to present-day. Doing so, however, has resulted in the inevitable: having to reacquaint myself with the fact that everything is just a phase, as beautiful or terrible as it may be. To that extent, it’s also perhaps one of the most bittersweet aspects of being alive.
To say that last month was tumultuous would be an understatement. Being forced to deal with death and grieving against my wishes was not ideal, to say the least, and it didn’t help that I was still reeling from the end of 2024. Factor in the numerous disappointments I was unexpectedly dealt by people I thought I knew, and it’s a wonder I made it out — but it was finally gratitude that helped me pivot out of that era and back into the present.
Once I was able to regain my footing, I realized that the past was just that — now in the past, a mere fraction of my history. In the end, it may wind up being a small ripple in the grand wave that is my entire life. Now, I have more than an abundance of happiness and supportive people in my life, and I’ve never had more reason to be grateful.
For weeks, I’ve been floating slightly above the earth, gliding from place to place on a cloud of elation. Just the thought of the worst being behind me has been enough to help me thrive in ways I could never have imagined a month ago.
While I’m trying my best to stay present and hover above the plane, there have been moments after dark when my mind has strayed as of late. Slowly, I’ve begun to piece together that this, too, is all just a phase.
Happiness can climax just like despair, and in some ways, it can feel far worse when you realize you’ve moved past its peak.
The trajectories of joy and sadness, life and death, are similar in many ways. I find it hard to believe that I am the only person who has paused at a pivotal moment in life and thought, “This is it,” and know they’re about to round a new corner — and being able to recognize the moment when a phase is about to take a new direction can be sobering.
It can be liberating to know that an era of pain and despair won’t last forever, but these moments can also leave you desperately grasping at anything to make memories when you realize your happiness is fleeting.
I am now swimming in a new sea of sorts; not one of trauma, but rather unpredictable waves that may strand me on a desert island. Being forced to fend for myself under those circumstances doesn’t seem so bad, though — not as I fight off rip currents that are threatening to pull me under.
To tread water would be to live life without experiencing those phases; the bad, the good, and everything in between. But even the strongest swimmers need moments to catch their breath. Fatigue is very real, and I’m trying to find satisfaction in just managing to stay afloat.
